A Naturalistic Fairy Tale-Part XXV

Dark Flow

And then did we, the Most High Scientists, decide to share our latest discoveries. We know you will be impressed. We did discover that Dark Flow, that mysterious Dark Force that is causing cluster galaxies to move at an impossible 1000 kilometers/second, may tell us what lies beyond that cosmic horizon.(1) The cosmic horizon is 45 billion light years away. We did figure out that these clusters are moving at this incredible speed from looking at particle interactions with the cosmic microwave background (CMB), either that, or there is a fundamental problem with our cosmology (Praise Science). So we did get to wondering what could cause this Dark Flow. It can’t be invisible Dark Matter, because there is not enough of it in the universe (even though it’s invisible and unmeasurable, it makes up 95% of the mass of the universe). It can’t be Dark Energy (that unmeasurable force that is causing the expansion of the universe to accelerate), because it’s spread evenly throughout space.

The Multiverse

So, we did continue asking the question, and we came up with an answer (Praise Science and Ourselves), just as you knew we would. So, we got to thinking that something outside of our bubble must be tugging on these galaxies. And then we did get to thinking that perhaps the pre-existing patch of space-time before the Big Bang did result in lots of bubbles, with a universe in each (Praise Science and the Multiverse). We even coined a new phrase, “Eternal Inflation.” We already predicted you would like it, and yet again, our predictions were confirmed. Others of us think that our bubble might have crashed into another bubble shortly after popping into existence. Others just think the standard model of cosmology isĀ  incorrect, but we’ll print that later in the article, and go back to focusing on more interesting things.

(1). Dark Flow: Proof of another Universe?

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Dark Neurons Explain Consciousness (Satire)

Psychology researchers have finally discovered the missing explanation for consciousness. The explanation is Dark Neurons. They can’t be detected directly, but we do know that this helps to explain how consciousness can affect corporeal neurons and the body.

World renowned researcher Dr. BF Mindlessness remarked, “We know dark neurons don’t exist in this universe, but there are compelling signs that they evolved independently, and perhaps partially interdependently, in an alternate universe. While this is still somewhat speculative, we have, I think, compelling evidence that shows that dark neurons are the glue that binds disparate brain functions together into a coherent whole that we now call consciousness. Indirect measurements show that Dark Neurons are able to exceed the speed of light, because, in the alternate universe c is actually more like 100 billion c in our universe, just as a rough guesstimate.” BF noted that his ideas were highly speculative, and that further research is needed to confirm his ideas.

Interestingly, his ideas are not completely new. A team of psychiatric researchers from the Ukraine reported in a classified research study in the 1960’s that the mind, often then referred to as “The Black Box,” was really a Dark Box perhaps populated by undetectable physical properties. While they danced around the edges of the notion, modern evolutionary theory and thought have allowed contemporary researchers to move far beyond previous antiquated notions.

BF Mindlessness continued, “I think that when you think about the universe, there’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot more darkness than light. There are a lot of dark things that lie only slightly beyond our universe. Who’s to say that the brain doesn’t make use of these dark forces. It may be that Dark Neurons are made entirely from Dark Matter, and use Dark Energy to transmit dark impulses.” He went on to note that, “We know Dark Energy will eventually, if not already, cause the universe to expand at faster than the speed of light. I think it’s ridiculous not to consider the implications for consciousness. Why wouldn’t evolution make use of this as it already makes use of many other aspects of chemistry and physics? The answer is, and we know this to be true, that evolution has already made use of, as far as I know, every physical aspect of the universe. Just think about what evolution has achieved with chemistry and aspects of physics in the last several billion years. Imagine what it has achieved with those things that are undetectable, but exist!”

Dr. Mindlessness reported that his research lab, together with a multinational study group, are planning a special series of research studies that they hope eventually, will indirectly measure the affects of dark neurons on consciousness. His equations show that by passing a large number of neutrinos and gluons through the brain simultaneously, may cause an emission of strange quarks, and this may be detectable in the behavior of research subjects. For now, his team has secured an initial grant of $100 million dollars to conduct additional basic research that may eventually lead to ideas about how Dark Neurons may have co-evolved in an alternate universe.