Dark Neurons Explain Consciousness (Satire)

Psychology researchers have finally discovered the missing explanation for consciousness. The explanation is Dark Neurons. They can’t be detected directly, but we do know that this helps to explain how consciousness can affect corporeal neurons and the body.

World renowned researcher Dr. BF Mindlessness remarked, “We know dark neurons don’t exist in this universe, but there are compelling signs that they evolved independently, and perhaps partially interdependently, in an alternate universe. While this is still somewhat speculative, we have, I think, compelling evidence that shows that dark neurons are the glue that binds disparate brain functions together into a coherent whole that we now call consciousness. Indirect measurements show that Dark Neurons are able to exceed the speed of light, because, in the alternate universe c is actually more like 100 billion c in our universe, just as a rough guesstimate.” BF noted that his ideas were highly speculative, and that further research is needed to confirm his ideas.

Interestingly, his ideas are not completely new. A team of psychiatric researchers from the Ukraine reported in a classified research study in the 1960’s that the mind, often then referred to as “The Black Box,” was really a Dark Box perhaps populated by undetectable physical properties. While they danced around the edges of the notion, modern evolutionary theory and thought have allowed contemporary researchers to move far beyond previous antiquated notions.

BF Mindlessness continued, “I think that when you think about the universe, there’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot more darkness than light. There are a lot of dark things that lie only slightly beyond our universe. Who’s to say that the brain doesn’t make use of these dark forces. It may be that Dark Neurons are made entirely from Dark Matter, and use Dark Energy to transmit dark impulses.” He went on to note that, “We know Dark Energy will eventually, if not already, cause the universe to expand at faster than the speed of light. I think it’s ridiculous not to consider the implications for consciousness. Why wouldn’t evolution make use of this as it already makes use of many other aspects of chemistry and physics? The answer is, and we know this to be true, that evolution has already made use of, as far as I know, every physical aspect of the universe. Just think about what evolution has achieved with chemistry and aspects of physics in the last several billion years. Imagine what it has achieved with those things that are undetectable, but exist!”

Dr. Mindlessness reported that his research lab, together with a multinational study group, are planning a special series of research studies that they hope eventually, will indirectly measure the affects of dark neurons on consciousness. His equations show that by passing a large number of neutrinos and gluons through the brain simultaneously, may cause an emission of strange quarks, and this may be detectable in the behavior of research subjects. For now, his team has secured an initial grant of $100 million dollars to conduct additional basic research that may eventually lead to ideas about how Dark Neurons may have co-evolved in an alternate universe.